I don't know what is wrong with me. All the trauma/drama of the last 10 months has totally left me drained. I have gained back about 30 pounds, none of my pants fit. All I ever want to do anymore is cry.

And cry.

And cry.

And cry.

I've said to self a thousand times " Stop whining." I know this to be the ultimate and most true thing...it is that which must be done. I try not to whine. Truly. I don't think I whine too much. But the overwhelming sadness I feel, which I cannot place a finger on and identify exactly, well it just takes my breath away.

I am excelling in school. So far, I am averaging a 98% in History, a 97% in Psychology, a 98% in one crim law class, a 96% in computer class...and the other crim class has had no tests or assignments so that's anyone's guess. I have all A's. How cool is that. I should do well this semester. I am working hard and yet, I feel no self satisfaction. I have to force myself to study, do homework. It's now to the point I walk out half way through a class, and I don't come back. I drive around aimlessly and end up at home, wishing I were anyplace else in the world.

I go to work, and I am angry. Angry at co-workers who suck. Angry at citizens who call me a fucking cunt or a bitch, when I am nice, friendly, polite and helpful. Now, how nice is that? Fucking assholes. If you want help, be courteous to the person who is giving it to you.

I have an interview in Nov for supervisor. I have not studied. I do not have my resume prepared. I do not care.

I have heart burn constantly right now.

I am experiencing chest palpitations that leave me breathless and in a cold sweat.

My bowels don't function right. They either go into lockdown for days, or they want to expell my total body weight in the course of three hours.

I am tired.

Exhausted. I cannot sleep, when that is all I want to do.

When I happen to be motivated to do something else, then I cannot seem to stay awake.

I am just so tired. And sad.

But I am not whining.
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It frustrates me to no end to know that my doctor doesn't give a shit. He wont help me find something that will reduce the "I no longer care" to something resembling "I am ambivilent, but deep down I care". He will not help me find something to take the edge off so that I don't walk around with this rage all the time. He will not refer me to someone I can talk to, or get a massage from, or whatever. He offers me no help what-so-ever, and I don't even want to bother seeing him. Not to mention the fucking mole he tried to freeze off several months ago didn't come off, and has grown, and changed, and I know it's another skin cancer and I need to have it cut off. I know I need this taken care of. But.

As I said.

I don't care.

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But I am not whining.
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Yes I am.